Two Kinds of YES.

YES.  It’s my favorite word.

Over the years, I’ve realized there are two kinds of YES.  One creates peace and pleasure.  The other can create considerable chaos.

The majority of my life, I’ve wanted to please people. My hand has spent much too much time in the air.  Automatic.  Reflexive.  “Pick me. Pick me!”

Or, let me count the times when I said YES, just to keep the peace…..or so I thought. Those “YES’s” actually created that snowball I was setting into motion.

And, in either case, almost immediately, my inner self was saying “holy shit, what have I just done?” Realizing my YES-ing bordered on being obsessively self-abusive, I found myself sitting in front of a therapist to help me find my way to the deep-breath-YES that would save me from myself.

What I learned to discern is that the “auto-YES” comes with a certain amount of shallow breathing and a tightness in the solar plexus.  There is an instant inner buzz signaling discomfort that never happens with the peace producing YES.  That YES is rooted in a simple confirmation of my deepest truth.

That YES comes over me quietly.  It’s an affirmative living on a deeper level, below the anxiety to please anyone. Everything just lines up on the inside. It feels more like “AHHH” than “OH, God!”  And, there is no second thought or regret.  I am not avoiding anything or anyone.  “Keeping the peace” is not part of the agenda. It’s the YES that just IS.

It’s the DEEP YES that came to me as an absolute…..no question…..before my marriage, and my career, or when I’ve met someone I knew was going to be a friend.  It’s the yes that’s all mine.  No need for an atta-girl from anyone. No need for defenses. It’s the YES that’s a complete sentence.

 

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